Beauty is more than skin deep

I'm still losing, slowly, but losing, which is fantastic. The best part is that I am starting to feel beautiful again. I'm definitely not a model by any stretch of the word; but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with me. Learning my curves, and how to accent the good ones while hiding the not so good ones. I am doing my hair and make up, and accepting compliments. I am beginning to believe that when people say I look nice, they aren't necessarily thinking, "for a fat girl."

In fact I'm beginning to realize that I'm the one thinking, "for a fat girl." I look at myself and realize I have never been the "right" size in my own eyes. So I just let myself go, because it was easier, because I just didn't like myself. Now I look back at the few pictures I have of me, because I would always hide from the camera, and realize I was a pretty girl. Even when I was "huge" there was still a beautiful woman there. My beauty is just that, my beauty. It is how I look, who I am, it is how I embrace myself. I want my daughters to know their beauty, and they need to have a mom who knows her own beauty in order for them to understand theirs. I think I'm finally getting there, it's only taken 29 and 1/2 years, but I'm getting there.

Gorgeous Weather

It is beautiful outside today. I always tell myself once the weather gets better I'll be better about getting outside and exercising, and it never pans out the way I want it to. I'll start my garden soon, and that will be some great outside activity, plus it's easier to bring the kids outside when I don't need to put 20 layers of clothing on each one. But I never stick to that evening walk, or daily swim that I swear I am going to do. It's always easy to come up with an excuse, the kids need baths, I can't bring them both in the pool alone, etc. This is another thing to work on.

I am working today, so I'm going to be enjoying this beautiful day from the inside. But I don't mind too much. I really like my job, the work is fun, the customers are interesting, and the co-workers are fantastic. For the 1st time in over 3 years I am Jen again. Not Makenzie or Kennedy's mom, or K.C.'s wife, I am Jen who has a husband and 2 kids. I didn't realize how much I missed being Jen. I didn't realize how much I wrapped myself up in my kids, and while I love them, and still want to be there for everything, I am enjoying going to work. I am enjoying being a person with likes and dislikes, who is relied upon by more than just my family, and not just a mom. The girls have adapted really well, and at then end of the day I believe I am a better mom by not being there all the time, which is a fantastic thing for everyone.

Avoidance

Yeah, I have been avoiding this. I can try and justify it as being busy with work and home, which I am. But really and truly I have just been avoiding. So today I bit the bullet and broke out my Wii, I've been ok the past couple of weeks, which has paid off with a total loss of 4 lbs. Sounds great.... BUT that's a total loss over about 8 weeks. That doesn't sound so great.

So I talked to my husband about it, because I hadn't really clued him in to the fact that I was trying to be healthier, and figured it would probably help me if I had his help as well. At the very least he would probably be a bit more stealth about eating junk in front of me. He was actually very supportive of it and wants to do a type of weight loss competition with me. We are both pretty competitive people, so this could be a good kick in the butt. It could also totally backfire and make me want to sabotage him, so we'll see how it goes.
 

Crazinesss!

This week has been full of craziness. Part of which included me passing out while getting my health check for my new job. Never a good thing to be passing out, especially when you're a fat lady! A skinny little thing can swoon and it's all good. A lady my size faints and it's "Watch out belooooooowwww!" Luckily I was sitting and remained sitting when it occurred, because that poor nurse would've been squished!

In big accomplishment news I am down 3.3 lbs in the past week as recorded by my darling Wii Fit. That thing is still saying I'm obese, but I'm hoping to rectify that in the next couple of weeks. I have orientation for my new job next week, and after that I should be getting a schedule. Work definitely helps me with weight loss, since I don't nibble while I work, so that should be another minus in the pound department. And my final weight loss help, is my itty bitty is starting to walk, despite my best attempts to keep her an itty bitty forever; and chasing after her can only help my activity level.

Still working on the night time eating, while I've been better about my choices, there have definitely been many bad choices. My brain sneaks in the thought, well you've lost weight, why not just one treat? I have been battling back with the thought, yep, but if you don't cheat imagine how much MORE you'll lose. Yes, I wage a war in my head, but I swear, I am perfectly sane! Usually... So more baby steps with the eating, but a big ole YAY that I am a good way toward my 1st personal weight goal, only 9 more lbs. Then onto goal #2.

Weekend Update

Could have been better, as in don't make yummy muffins because you'll eat them too. Could have been worse, as in we were busy so I didn't snack too much. My exercise was limited to me carrying my 40 lb child kicking and screaming from our friends' house to the car, and from the car to our house. If you've never done this before you should try it, it's a fantastic whole body workout. You work your arms, legs, core muscles, and your heart rate really increases; not recommended if you have high blood pressure, a bad back, or are carrying a kid that is not your own.

Today is grocery shopping day, so I am making out my meals for the week. I also need to make sure I put some healthy snacks on my list, otherwise I don't buy them and I resort to what my husband brings home from the convenience store, which is never healthy. I need to start munching on more fruits and veggies, when I have them here I do tend to eat them. Basically I need to follow the rules I set for my kids. Fresh veggie with lunch, cooked veggie with dinner, whole grains, lean meat, and a small treat after dinner and if you're hungry after that you can have some fruit or veggies. Easier said than done though.

I have also been trying to buy more organic for the whole family. The kids have always gotten mainly organic, there are just too many hormones, pesticides, and fertilizers used in foods for me to be ok with giving it to my kids. Cost is obviously an issue and when corners have to be cut it's the food for me and my husband that is cut. However, now that both girls eat almost everything that my husband and I eat I have been purchasing more and more organic foods for the entire family.I feel like this can only be a change for the better for my whole family and I'm sure Whole Foods enjoys having a more frequent customer as well.

Insight to my eating

I was brought up in an Italian American family, and while we weren't traditionalists about a lot of things, the food was always plentiful. My grandmother was always feeding people, and my mom continues that tradition. (not that this is an exclusively Italian trait, my French family did the same and I have seen many cultures do similar) I have the belief that if there isn't extra food, there wasn't enough food; which is fine if you're hosting a party, but isn't necessary for Monday night dinner.

I think traditions are important, and I do think a lot of family traditions have food involved. Look how many people have family recipes, and family cookbooks. (I have a family cookbook for both my mother and father's side) When my grandmother was dying my family sat around her kitchen table eating chicken soup and Italian bread. Some years later I found myself in a similar situation, sitting around the table at my husband's grandmother's house; the only difference was we were eating Portuguese soup and Portuguese sweet bread. Both of these memories are good memories, of family coming together to celebrate someone's life, and we bonded together while eating the food from that person's life.

I need to separate food from emotion. I emotional eat all the time. If something good happens I eat to celebrate, if something bad happens I eat to make myself feel better. I am sure some of this is due to my background, and the role food played in it. I'm not saying that family Holidays shouldn't have an overabundance of food and good times, I think I just need to remember that the people not the food make the good times. I would never blame food on a bad time, so why do I credit it with a good time?  And better yet, why do I try and replicate those good feelings with food, especially when I know that after I eat crap I will only feel worse not better.

Exercise is a 4 letter word

So yesterday while one child was at preschool, and the other was napping I decided it was time to brake out the Wii Fit. I hadn't used it in quite some time and was dreading the fact that it keeps track of that information. But despite all that, I decided to face the music, hook the Wii up to the TV, and dust off my balance board. After changing a slew of batteries and figuring out what channel the TV needed to be on I was set to go. The Wii promptly informed me that it had been seven hundred and some odd days since I last used it. Sounded about right. Then it went on to inform me that I was now a lovely 12 lbs heavier than I was seven hundred and some odd days ago, and that I was no longer over weight. I am now the proud owner of the title obese. Yay.

In my defense I have been pregnant and had a baby within those seven hundred and some odd days. In the machines defense that baby is going to turn 1 in less than 2 months.

Once I got through the initial brow beating, I did 30 minutes of exercise, some Yoga and some Aerobic fat burning. It did feel good, unfortunately I can tell that I am even more out of shape than I thought, which means today I am sore. Both kids are home today, but if by some miracle they take a nap at the same time I'll probably do some Yoga, I forgot how good Yoga makes me feel.

So I took another baby step by exercising. And last night when I looked at the junk food the thought entered my mind that I had earned it, but I realized I am obese due to my earned treats, so I ate some rice cakes instead. I still snacked, but it was a better choice.

A big change is coming

After over 3 years of being a stay at home mom, and sometimes a real estate agent, I will be re-entering the workforce at the end of this month. I am excited, and terrified, and a whole host of other emotions. I am excited for the adult interaction, am nervous about being able to hack it after so long out of the loop, but I'm ready. I will be working part time nights, so I will still be home with my girls most of the time. This just means Daddy is going to be doing bed time a few nights a week, and getting a crash course in dinner making.

This will be good for me healthy eating wise as well, I tend to eat a lot better when I think someone other than my immediate family will see me. I feel like people are watching and thinking, "look at that fat lady, if she just shut her mouth she'd be losing weight." Probably because that's what I'm thinking about myself. I will also have access to an on-site gym. I'm sure it will be a bit before I take advantage of that, but it's there for me when I'm ready.

In milestone news, to celebrate my new job  I did not eat a huge dinner, or bake myself a dessert as a reward. I ate a normal dinner, then when I was hungry later I ate a healthy snack. I did cave and have a large bowl of popcorn while watching Survivor, and it was not the healthy kind. But it still wasn't the Nutter Butter. 

Overindulging is a habit

I did it again. I ordered food, and instead of going healthy I went with what tastes good. Crab Rangoon, Beef Teriyaki, and Boneless Spare ribs, of course with some fried rice. If that wasn't bad enough I didn't finish when I was full, I just kept going. It's the same routine, if we're ordering food I go with taste, luckily we don't order out often. But this is still something that I need to change, the idea that I deserve a treat when we eat out has to stop. Why isn't the treat of not cooking enough? I need to make it enough, I can make this change.

On the small victories side of things I did eat well up until dinner. I also managed to not finish up my Chinese food feast with a Nutter Butter, I stared at it, thought about, and almost decided to say screw it. I mean, come on, I just ate all that other crap, what's a few more calories, and a bit more fat? I ate Jello instead. I read a quote once, and I have no idea who it's by, or how exactly it went, but it was to the effect, "Dieting/being healthy/exercising is like brushing your teeth. If you forgot to do it today, you're not going to say screw it tomorrow. You're going to get up and brush your teeth again." That helped me choose Jello over the Nutter Butter, because I truly do want to make changes.

Now for my embarrassing secret. I put fat free Cool Whip on the Jello. I think Cool Whip is disgusting, the fact that it's manufactured just gives me the creeps. But I still eat it. Which is completely hypocritical of me because I would NEVER let my kids eat the crap. I keep it hidden in the freezer, out of the sight of my kids, and any person who may stop by and open my freezer. I was raised on good old fashioned whipped cream, typically made from heavy whipping cream; so how could I harbor fat free Cool Whip in my freezer!?! It's not something I'm proud of, and is another thing I plan on changing in order to become healthier; eating less preservatives, and manufactured crap. But I'm taking baby steps here, so for the time being I will continue to hide Cool Whip in my freezer and occasionally eat it on my Jello basking in the glory of not having eaten the Nutter Butter.

Day 1

Day 1 went well, for me at least. Any hardcore health nut out there would still have a coronary, but for me I was good. I worked at the family store last night and only ate a Cliff bar while there. That's a feat for me, especially since I sit there staring at candy bars, chips, and every other kind of junk food imaginable. That's one of my many weaknesses; picky foods, especially at night. A bag of chips, a king size candy bar, no problem. So for me to sit there for 6 hours and not eat them was a huge feat of strength.

That being said I came home had a healthy dinner and ate a huge slice of carrot cake. In my defense it was Cheryl's carrot cake, which is the pinnacle of carrot cake. The only bad thing about Cheryl's carrot cake (besides the fat and calorie content which I am blissfully unaware of) is the fact that no carrot cake will ever be good enough again. You are no longer able to order a slice of carrot cake from a bakery or restaurant because it is so pathetically bad compared to Cheryl's; your taste buds will just not tolerate the second rate cake.

OK in reality I would still eat the second rate carrot cake because that's what I do. I eat. I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm full. I eat when it's delicious, I eat when it's not that good. I eat to reward myself, I eat when I want a pick me up. Food is my security blanket, it's my go to addiction. I'm admitting it, and now I'm working on changing it. I quit smoking, I can quit over eating and comfort eating. Right?

The begining

So here I am, 29, married, 2 kids, and fat as can be. That's what this is about, relearning how to be a healthy me. There are a lot of reasons why I want to be healthy, my number 1 reason is I want to have a waistline again, I want to look good in clothes. I have other less selfish reason too, like I want to be there for my girls, I want to be more attractive for my husband. But at the end of the day this is for me. I think that it's ok that this is for me, I think otherwise I wouldn't have enough drive, and sometimes it is ok to be selfish.

So what this is. I need to be healthy for 1 year. Eat healthy, act healthy, make healthy decisions. I'm a realist, there are going to be days when unhealthy wins. When fried beats baked. When lounging on the couch beats getting up and moving. But I am going to try, because trying is better than not doing anything. So this is my honest to everyone including myself year to get healthy. This is my year to relearn how to love myself, stretch marks and all. My year to realize healthy doesn't mean perfect, but not to give up. My year to accept my body, but still strive to make it better. This is going to be my year.